Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I have been at the same company for almost five years now. It has been a journey that has taken me down numerous different paths. Some, that have helped me grow personally and professionally. I left to live in a different state for about a year and a half and turned into your typical workaholic monster. I forgot what I was doing it for and never made the time I should have for family, loved ones, and my little guy (my Chihuahua). I gave the company all of me, if not more than all of me; to the point where after every shift I worked, I came home and laid down with zero energy to continue. It even got a little dark, for over a decade I had been battling some mental illness which I never seeked help due to that lovely mental illness stigma our society has. The only reason I came back home was because I lost my dog, he passed away, and I ran out of time. I am currently dealing with the grief even three months after his passing but we will leave that for another post.

After you give everything to a job you once loved, what do you have left? Do you keep holding on trying to wait for the flame that burned bright to burn once more? Or do you spruce up your resume and embark on a better journey? If the company you currently work at does not value you, nor see your potential, or maybe sees your potential but will not open an opportunity for you yet, do you stay? That is my real question. Do you stay when there are various reason for you to leave? When the work environment is toxic, when upper management is basically sexist, and when there is zero structure, do you stay? Would you? Seriously, would YOU reader stay in an area so toxic just because you LOVE your team and LOVE speaking to customers. Customer service has always been my thing, developing teams, coaching, team building, bonding, long hours; All of these have always been my thing. It is what I USED to love. Funny seeing that in writing. “Used to” past tense. So what do I do?

My company loves more, or so I hope they do. I have proven my worth with sales. I freaking ran an entire market by my damn self at the age of 23-24. I am what my VP likes to say, “part of the golden circle,” but then why do I feel this way being back home? I have seen more than I have ever wanted to, I know more than I ever wanted to. I do not appreciate the lack of equal treatment across the board because to me it does not matter whether you are the BEST or the WORST we should treat you the same no? The lack of appreciation and being told what to do without a real connection is what really has drained me. I do not know who I am anymore, I have lost someone I loved deeply, and I have lost myself, my passion, so where do I go from here?

Stay or go? Do I have anything else to lose? No.

Years keep on going

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here to write my thoughts or even poetry, for some weird reason words come easier to my mind when I type them out versus speaking in person. There are times where I cannot find the words and am stuck in this lull. It’s strange walking down memory lane; to see all the posts I’ve created and relive that emotion. Writing to me is an outlet from the trauma I’ve survived and the healing I still am continuing. Lately, my brain has been over loaded and I’ve been over analyzing every word/action.

To say the least, I feel better writing. Even if it’s something this short. I’m back, ready, and will be posting more frequently. So if you still follow me, sorry the HIATUS. To be honest, I don’t write for others, I write for myself, and if my words touch you then that makes me happy.

Price Of Success

The numbers are impressive,

the numbers are great,

but what if the numbers seal my fate?

The higher I go, the less I can see,

who I really am beneath this heat.

I continue to strive,

I continue to go,

I continue to strive,

I continue to go.

But somehow it feels like I have left to show.

Although as the days progress,

disregarding my current distress.

The numbers are impressive,

the numbers are great,

but what if the numbers seal my fate?

A call right now,

a call later,

calls keep coming quicker than I can start running.

No matter how well I do,

I always feel like such a fool.

What is the price I am paying

because I am staying?

“Erika can do this.”

“Erika can do that.”

“And if she goes here that’s a fact.”

A reputation I fought for,

a mentality I kept,

the countless nights I wept.

The numbers are impressive,

the numbers are great,

but what if the numbers seal my fate?

What is the greater sacrifice I’m willing to make?

Is it my life?

Or is it my mind?

Only time can tell,

If all of this will end well.

All I can say is,

I’ve warned you before.

I let you hear my plea

and all you did was watch me bleed.

The numbers are impressive,

the numbers are great,

but what if the numbers seal my fate?

 

Pleasure

In sea of people I can always find you,

my eyes search every corner until they lock with yours.

I feel my cheeks rush with red,

As the corner of your lips turn into a smile.

The closer you get I can feel my heart jump through my chest,

I don’t know what to say or do but I can’t move.

It’s like you’ve got this hold on me,

your aurora has lured me in and intoxicated me,

and now I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe until our lips meet.

Once I feel your fingers run through my hair,

It’s like I’m floating on thin air.

The moment your fingertips pull on a couple strands,

It’s like I’ve entered heaven only through your hands.

Your lips continue to clash against mine,

I don’t want it to stop, I need your air to breathe.

But our time has come to an end,

I have to leave,

until we meet again.

Thoughts 

it is nice to know someone cares about you as much as you care about them. There is something about being around that mutual feeling which is probably what my mind is so caught up on. It is the little gestures, the hand holding and surprise kisses, or tickle fights in the car or bedroom. It is the countless arguments which strengthen the bond. It is crying and overreacting but being reassured.

It is loving and being loved in return and treated with fairness. 

Then again it’s just late at night.

Flashbacks 

I wake up in the middle of the night

Terrified at the sight,

Of you in my dreams.

All I can hear is my screams,

“Please, stop, can’t you see I love you.”

Those words stuck on repeat,

What is love but utter defeat?

Such vulnerability I felt that haunts me constantly.

I can’t sleep.

The horrors I relive not even medication can keep,

Away, subdued so I can breathe.

Scars never heal,

Time never makes it real,

But it sure as hell makes me feel.

These restless nights I try to fight

And still here I am holding tight 

To my consciousness,

Telling myself the nightmare is over,

You’re gone forever 

But the scars are still here

And I am left to deal

With the abuse and mental damage.

I do not believe in others 

Because of my first lover.

The trust is there but not clear

For all I know is how to fear.

Again I crave sleep 

But do not want to weep

Over another nightmare 

Of being beat.